Asian Diplomacy

From my friend — and resident philosopher — Dhruva Ghoshś Facebook:

We struggle with our diplomatic relations with China because they don’t have a cricket team that we can boycott.

Would they notice, do you think, if we boycotted their football team?

Hello, Tigress

As you may have heard, Bengali women are occasionally referred to as tigresses. This may be because of our relative proximity to the Royal Bengal big-cats desperately clinging to existence in the Sunderbans, but I suspect it is rather more because of our famed temper and tongue. Bengalis may be patriarchal to their driest bones, but their women are a far cry from the standard-issue third-world stereotype — veiled, quiet and submissive.

Ka-ching!

So, last Saturday, out in the scorching sun visiting my tailor,  my foot caught a wooden stool left on the footpath by street vendors. I stumbled magnificently. Upbringing kicked in at the same time as pain, however, and I fulsomely apologised to the vendor for having hurt my foot on his carelessly-strewn property.

The vendor took the apology a little too literally. He and his five nearest neighbours promptly surrounded me, and began ripping me to pieces, asking me to shut my mouth and watch where I went. Opinions about fancy airheads who thought they owned the world were floated, and two male customers informed the vendors that they were too lenient with such uppity females.

This, as you can imagine, left me with only one course of sensible action. I picked up the stool, walked till I came to a gap between vendors, and smashed it on the ground. It broke into four unequal pieces. Then I sauntered calmly down the length of the footpath, to a flatteringly astonished silence.

What can I say, I have a temper. Everything you’ve heard about Bengali tigresses are occasionally true.

I am ill

And I’m very cross about it.

I could have womanfully born the rib-cracking bouts of coughing, had every sneezing fit not locked my ears and thrown my balance off, making me careen into people and things. It’s one thing to draw everyone’s irritated attention with long and loud spates of wheezing coughs, and quite another to bump into them, oozing liquid from one’s nose.

Dammit.

Old Wisdom Had It Wrong

Discernment is in knowing the difference. Not wisdom.

Wisdom is in knowing whose mummies and daddies and uncles and aunties and siblings and cousins and old schoolmates are in high places, and administering liberal tongue-lashings to the rest of the bastards.

The world needs your words. (And thoughts and ideas and activism and informed analytical engagement.)

Set them on fire!

The Perils of Biology

Friend to me: Biology is ruining my marriage.
I to f: Whut?
F, distinctly: Biology. Is ruining. My marriage.
I, with a touch of asperity: By ‘whut’ I mean, ‘I’m amazed. Please explain’.
F, with a deep sigh: I’m stronger. I have a far higher pain threshold. I’m laid-back, easily adaptible and take orders better. On top of that, I’d *love* to do it — I wouldn’t be scared or anything, I’d revel in it!
I, sternly: Darling. To repeat myself, ‘whut?’.
F, impatiently: *I* should be the one having our babies. Not her, poor thing. And I’m not letting her do it, either, not with such nervousness  But had it been me being preggers… Rims, I tell you, we’d be doing it like a shot!
I, gently: But sweetheart, you’re a man.
F: I know! I *said* biology was messing up my marriage, didn’t I?

Women, Indian Television and Idiot Writers

Over the last few years my parents have become rather fond of pathetically scripted dramas on the telly. As a consequence, I now have to listen to the louder dialogues every evening from the next room. I am, therefore, well equipped to make cruel fun of them — they’re sitting ducks, really, entirely wrapped up in their own consuming vapidity. But I shall desist. Not because my heart’s pure gold and I respect the creative freedomof commercial art, but because these serials have frankly begun to alarm me.

As a favourite author of mine said, in Bengal the women may be aw-bawla, but never aw-bow-la (weak but never silent). Our culture is deeply patriarchal, but expectation of female behaviour does not follow the norms of, say, middle-class United States in the 1950s (or frankly, even now). Bengali women, generally, are strident, assertive, and decidedly unafraid of confrontation. The national stereotype is that they make wonderful lovers but very poor wives — they’re (relatively) uninhibited and adventurous, but their meekness quotient is in the negative.

One would expect that such a culture, or at least a culture perceived as such, would reflect these beliefs in its chart-topping television shows. Apparently not.

Who are our prime-time TRP stealers? They are, in theory, strong — even eponymous — female characters from women-centric shows. And yet, and yet, these  ‘strong’ characters are ones that embrace servile or secret marriages, abusive families-in-law, have scream-fights only with other women usually about a man, compulsively follow religious portents and rituals, deliver incredibly regressive speeches about gender roles and duties, and cry rivers in every. damn. episode.

Look. If you want to pull a con on the idea of strong women so you can have a perfectly satisfied yet thoroughly under your thumb woman at home, you won’t hear me objecting. I mean, popular media does it anyway, and if people are sheeply enough to take their cues from carefully orchestrated hegemonic cultural production, well, there’s very little I can do to heroically dismantle it. However, I’d plead you to show some discretion while you go about your evil nefarious plans. Please, abandon the trash currently in your service. Employ me instead. Allow me the privilege of being a gender-enemy (and if you like, a class-enemy too). Show me the colour of money, and I’ll do SO MUCH of a better job that these obvious, blatant idiots.

Valentine’s Bump

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but my father is all bones, sinews and skin. Extended, this means he has a beautifully starved face, with high cheekbones jutting out at sharp angles. This morning, in my rush to kiss him goodbye, fly out of the door and conquer the world, I bumped my nose against these glorious cheekbones. Hard.

Suffice to say, the world is now safe from my claws.

When I’m empress of the universe, I shall ban thin people. Or kissing. Probably both. Thereby, I shall give birth to a new fetish sub-culture of kissing thin peeps chastely on the cheek.

How pleased the social conservatives will be.

Qvinn of the vurld!

Survivors Will be Prosecuted

I found this photo on Facebook, via friends who shared it from a page called English Whirled Wide, which collects amusing examples of the language’s use by people who are not fluent speakers of it. Their latest, produced below, is an example from India.

Image

I don’t see why this is an example of tortured ‘whirled wide’ English — seems perfectly clear to me, even wryly humourous — but it IS an example of the ‘rules are rules [unless you have enough for a bribe]‘ bureaucratic modus operandi. The ‘survivors’ have my sympathy.

Sweetness, Schadenfreude

There’s no sugar at home today.

It’s a state holiday and so everyone’s at home, and many pots of tea are being compulsively consumed. Much wincing, therefore, is in evidence all around.

It’s for moments like these that one must practise taking one’s cuppa without sugar (as I have these last two years).

Oh, the delights of schadenfreude. My impishness is swishing its tail in mischievous glee :-)

Like Drunk Elephants

[Or, Why I Love My Friends, #4]

Friend to me: It would appear that X’s antics last night woke just about everyone up. And then kept them up. As a collective, we are not amused. Sex is understandable and acceptable. Making more noise than a herd of drunken elephants in the small hours of the morning, and then continuing to do so for hours, is not.

Me: Of course not. I…

F: And I will add, for your benefit, that I have had the (mis)fortune of hearing a herd of drunken elephants come looking for alcohol in an army camp in Assam. Army regulations state that in this eventuality, alcohol is to be ceded to the elephants without resistance. So they were very happy drunken elephants, too.

Me: Unlike, despite his best efforts, X.

F, with grim satisfaction: Indeed.

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